Supporting Children in Grief: Middles/Tweens (9 to 12 years)

We hear a lot from folks about how they don’t know what to say or do for kids and teens when someone has died. Many folks are also unsure if a child is grieving “right.” Check out the tips below that can help you gain a better understanding of what grief looks like for children 9 to 12 years of age, what you can say to them to help, and how their grief looks different than an adult’s.

Common Grief Reactions

  • This may be a more socially sensitive time
  • The youth may need to understand their new identity without the person who died
  • Their desire for more independence & control will reflect in their grief
  • Isolation may be a grief reaction at this age
  • A fantasy that one could be with the person who died again is a common and normal grief reaction that does not necessarily mean you child wishes to die
  • This age group will be impacted by their grieving caregivers, this is ok

Appropriate ways to speak with your child

  • Name whatever emotions they’re having without judgement
  • Behavior IS communication for you and your child
  • Use clear and simple language
  • It’s okay if you don’t always have the answer


  • Honest discussion of feelings/journaling feelings
  • Plan together ways to honor the memory of their loved one
  • Create a memory box/book/poster
  • Write a letter to the person who died
  • Celebrate their loved one by eating a food that they liked, listen to music that they enjoyed or doing an activity they liked, together

Things to Remember

  • Children’s grief is based on one’s culture, religion, and race
  • Maintain a level of curiosity with your child’s experience in grief
  • There are no set stages; grief doesn’t happen in any special order
  • Grief and grieving changes over time
  • Reach out to a professional if you or your child needs support

A Message from The Jewish Board

If you or someone you love lives in the New York metropolitan area and need help coping with grief and loss, we can help. Call us at 1.844.ONE.CALL to speak with an intake specialist. You can also contact our Loss and Bereavement Team by emailing, calling 212.632.4692, or filling out our referral form.